Conductor to orchestra at the beginning of a rehearsal:
"Please get your pencils out...we have some marking to do on this score:
The first two bars are in 3/4, not 4/4 as written.
Next, in the 5th bar, change it to 7/8 and this remains to the end.
Now, in bar 7 we lower the pitch 1/2 step.
In bar 13, lower the pitch one whole step and this will remain to the end.
Thank you. Now, let us begin."

Soprano soloist: "Excuse me, Maestro. What would you like for me to change?"

Conductor: "Nothing, madam. Just sing it exactly as you did yesterday."

Choir humour:

What's the difference between a soprano & a terrorist? You can negotiate with the terrorist.

What's the difference between a soprano & a pirhana?
One of them wears lipstick.

The Defendant

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them."

"What?? You did???"

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."